


How to Win Friends and Influence Monsters

by Katelyn_Watson_1991



Series: My Supernatural Life [43]
Category: Supernatural
Genre: Episode: s07e09 How to Win Friends and Influence Monsters, F/M, High Dean, Leviathans
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-07-17
Updated: 2017-07-17
Packaged: 2018-12-03 10:59:16
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,853
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11530800
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Katelyn_Watson_1991/pseuds/Katelyn_Watson_1991





	How to Win Friends and Influence Monsters

We had been sitting still for too long, so for the past month, we had been moving around. This week we were in Hammonton, New Jersey. It was a hell of a time being 8 months pregnant, my 4-year-old had been sick for about 2 weeks. Lucky for me, I had help from Sawyer.

Sam, Dean, and Bobby were working on finding another job. They found a job that was right up our alley. We found an old house that no one was using and set up camp. Dean and Sam went down to the basement to turn on the power, while I held Abby. It was getting harder to hold her while I was pregnant, but while she was sick I was giving her everything because of how sick she was. The boys were still down in the basement as the lights came on and I looked around the empty dingy house. 

“Well, isn't this cozy?” I said as Sam and Dean came into the room. 

“Yeah. Well, Motel 6 just ain't leavin the light on anymore,” Sam said, taking Abby into his arms to try to comfort her as she cried in her sleep. 

“Well, I'm taking a page out of Frank Devereaux's Bible on this. Everybody's out to get you -- paranoia is just plain common sense,” Bobby said. 

The room was quiet for a moment, no one wanting to bring up just how crappy our lives were. Then I broke the silence. “Weeks, guys. Weeks. We've been living with cold showers, cold Hot Pockets, cold freaking everything. I mean, this is the bottom that we're living in. You guys get that, right?” I said, putting my hands on my face as I sat at the kitchen table. 

“How many big mouths are out there, running card traces, like Chet, or hunting us down God knows what ways? No, now's not the time to be laying our bed rolls out on the grid. Not if we can help it,” Bobby said, putting a hand on my shoulder. 

Sawyer sat next to me. Everyone was on edge wanting to kill the leviathans and also saving the world yet again was not easy. At that moment the lights went out I let out a groan and put my head on the table. Sawyer turned on a battery-powered lamp. 

“That's just great. This is stupid. Our quality of life is crap. We got Purgatory's least wanted everywhere, and we're on our third 'The World's Screwed' issue in, what, three years? We've steered the bus away from the cliff twice already,” Dean said. 

“Someone's got to do it,” Sam said. 

“What if the bus wants to go over the cliff?” Dean asked. 

“You think the world wants to end?” Sam asked handing Abby to Sawyer. 

“I think that if we didn't take its belt and all its pens away each year that, yeah, the whole enchilada woulda offed itself already.” He said 

“Stop trying to wrestle with the big picture, son. You're gonna hurt your head,” Bobby said. 

Dean walked over to the cooler pulled out a beer, kissed the side of my head, and took Abby over to the sofa where he lay down with her. 

“So, what's the guff?” Bobby asked as he and Sam sat at the table across from Sawyer and me. 

“Well, uh, there’ve been a rash of sightings all over the southern pine barrens -- a strange, fast-moving, human-like creature. Locals even have a name for it,” Sam said handing Bobby a newspaper article that said ‘Jersey Devil Reported!’ Bobby slid it to me. 

“The Jersey Devil? I thought that was just local tall-tale crap,” I said, looking across the table. 

“The area's history of sightings goes back more than two centuries. Some accounts gave it bat wings, others horns, a...a tail,” Sam explained, “And, uh, oh yeah, a horse's head.” 

I looked at Sam with wide eyes he showed me a picture of what people were saying they had seen. I picked up one and it made me smile. 

“Of course, the sketch looks more like a Chewbacca head,” I said with a little laugh. 

“Sounds kind of mixed up,” Bobby said. 

“Yeah, kind of like it should be fighting a Japanese robot,” Sawyer said smiling at me and we both exchanged glances. 

“Well, mixed up or not, it sounds like it might just have a body count,” Sam said, handing Bobby another newspaper article. 

“‘Camping high season harshed by human burrito?’” Bobby said, reading the title out loud. 

“Yeah. Something hung a camper up in a tree, then ate him alive right through his sleeping bag. His wife hasn't been seen, either. Plus, there have been four other missing persons reported in the last three weeks. State troopers -- get this -- are saying it's a rogue bear,” Sam explained. 

“Yeah, of course, when was the last time you saw a bear string up its own piñata?” Sawyer asked. 

“Something's out there in the woods. Hey, we're going honest to goodness wilderness hunting. I haven't used my .30-30 in a while,” Bobby said with excitement. 

“Okay, Davey Crockett, well, safari's gonna have to wait till tomorrow and after our suit-and-tie dance. We'll make sure this is not just some backwoods crackhead who likes to roll glampers.” Dean said from the sofa. 

“What the hell's a glamper?” Bobby asked. 

“Kelly?” Dean said. 

“High-end camper. TV, A.C., Wi-Fi. Back to nature, zero inconvenience,” I explained. 

“That's idiotic,” Bobby said.

“Yeah. Some people just don't know how to live,” Sam said with a laugh. 

The next day the guys went to go talk to the park ranger and Bobby and Sawyer went to the coroner's office to examine the body. Abby was much better today so she and I headed to the local Biggerson’s to get food. We were sitting there waiting to meet up with everyone. Sam and Dean met the ranger at Biggerson’s as well so we stayed away from their table just so that we wouldn’t draw attention to them. 

Abby was coloring in a coloring book that I had brought for her to play with. She was always drawing pictures for the baby. She also always wanted to be close to me so she was sitting on the same side of the booth that I was. About 15 minutes into the meeting that Sam and Dean were having, Bobby and Sawyer, walked in dressed in suits as well. Sam and Dean ended the meeting and walked over to Bobby and Sawyer. I sent a text to Sawyer to come over to the table. She walked over and Bobby, Sam, and Dean followed. The waiter in our section was a total douchewad. 

“Hey! Uh, Brandon. Can we get some extra menus?” Dean asked. 

“Hey, uh, douchewad, go ask the hostess; she will get them for you. Do I look like a freaking hostess?” Brandon asked. 

“Do you want to look like a hostess?” Dean asked. 

Brandon walked away to the kitchen. 

“That didn't really make sense, what you... said,” Sawyer said to Dean. 

“What was that?” Dean said looking at us. 

“Let’s just hope that he goes on break before we get our food,” Bobby said. 

It was not our lucky day because Brandon came back in an even worse mood while we ordered our food. When he came back he put our food in front of us. 

“Sidewinder soup and salad combo goes to Big Bird.” He said to Sam “TDK Slammer to Ken Doll.” He said putting it down in front of Dean. “Another Sidewinder soup and salad combo for Baby Mama,” he said, putting the plate down in front of me. “Kids grilled cheese for Skipper,” he said, addressing Abby. “The Biggerson’s Burger special for the OC reject, ” to Sawyer, “and a little heart-smart for creepy uncle,” setting down Bobby’s plate. 

“What is your problem?” Dean said, getting upset. 

“You are my problem!” Brandon yelled, walking away from the table. 

“Oh, Brandon's got his flare all up in a bunch,” Bobby said. 

“He is an ass,” Abby said. 

“Abigail!” I scolded. 

“But, Mom, the bad words help,” she said. 

I just shook my head and started to eat my food. 

“Yeah. There goes his 18%,” Sawyer said. 

“Anyway, chief ranger -- I don't think he believes in the Jersey Devil,” Dean said. 

“Oh, by the way, did he seem a little, uh, stoned to you?” Sam pointed out. 

“Ranger Rick? Yeah. Definitely growing his own on the back 40 and smoking all the profits,” Dean said. 

I was helping Abby eat her food, only listening to half of the conversation. 

“He did seem to think that there was something --” Sam asked. 

“Oh, that is good sandwich,” Dean said with a mouth full of his sandwich. 

“What the hell did you get?” Bobby asked 

“New Pepperjack Turducken Slammer -- limited time only,” Dean said, pointing out the advertisement on the table. 

“Bunch of birds shoved up inside each other. Shouldn't play God like that,” Bobby said. 

“Hey, don't look at me sideways from that -- that Chinese chicken geezer salad there, okay? This is awesome. Like the perfect storm of your top-three edible birds,” Dean said. 

“All right, anyways, um... The ranger did seem to think there was something out in Wharton Forest,” Sam said. 

“Well, then I'd say it's safari time,” Bobby said. 

Then from behind us, we heard arguing. 

“She’s big-boned!” a man yelled. 

“Look at her! You're telling me she's not fat?” Brandon said. 

“Hey,” The manager said, stepping into the conversation. 

“Up yours, Mike. Shove it right up yours!” Brandon yelled, taking off his apron and leaving the restaurant.

“Well, anyway, back to bigger and better things,” Dean said, eating his sandwich. 

We finished eating and we all headed back to the house. The guys went out to go find the thing killing people in the woods while Abby, Sawyer and I stayed at the house, played with the dogs, danced around while Abby sang. It was a nice afternoon. By the time the sun went down, we were sitting on the floor of the living room reading the ‘Goblet of Fire’. Abby was almost asleep so I let her sleep as I continued to read and Sawyer rubbed circles on Abby’s back. 

When the guys pulled up, they came into the house with a body that they laid on the table in the kitchen. I followed them. 

“Built like a supermodel, but the thing was strong. That's for damn sure. Carried a full-grown man up a tree in nothing flat,” Bobby explained to me. 

“But, it only took one bullet to bring it down,” Sam said. 

“And not even a silver bullet, just a bullet-bullet,” Dean added. 

At that moment the creature sat up and then stood on the table. All four of us pulled out our guns and opened fire on it unloading our clips into its body. It fell back onto the table. Abby started to cry in the other room and Sawyer came into the room with Abby in her arms, handing her to me. 

“First one must have just stunned it,” I said, then turned my attention to Abby. 

“All right, well, let's check its hulk pants for some ID,” Dean said, looking through the creature's pockets. He pulled out a wallet. “Oh, that is just gonna ruin the leather,” he said. Sam took the wallet from him. 

“Are you feeling okay?” I asked Dean. 

“Yeah, I feel great,” he answered. 

“Gerald Browder, uh, lived here in town, 5'9", brown hair and blue eyes... 235 pounds,” Sam said, reading the driver's license. 

“Whoa,” Sawyer said looking at the creature who obviously didn't weigh 235 pounds. 

“Well, apparently, he's lost a little pudge,” I said handing a sleeping Abby back to Sawyer. “Can you get her back in her bed?” 

“Sure thing,” she answered, walking out of the room. 

“Maybe it's a-a lap-band side effect,” Dean said with a giggle. 

But no one else did. I picked up a stick from the floor and poked in into one of the bullet wounds. It dripped gray goo. “What the hell? I think we better have a look under Gerald's hood,” I said, looking at Sam and Bobby. 

A half hour later, I was standing next to Bobby holding a bucket, looking into the open chest of Gerald. 

“God! Its organs are swimming in the stuff.” Bobby said. 

“You guys getting hungry? I'm hungry,” Dean said, but no one answered him.

We could hear Abby giggling with Sawyer. ‘Thank God Sawyer is here.’ I thought to myself. 

“What's that?” Sam asked, looking into Gerald’s body. 

“His stomach. For a guy on a diet, Gerry here packed it in pretty good,” Bobby said. 

“That's human right there,” I said with disgust. 

“That's fresh Rick. Let's see. Plus... a pine cone? Pack of gum in the wrapper,” Bobby said, putting it into the bucket. 

“That's -- that's older. Maybe like a -- maybe Ranger Phil or the camper,” Sam said as Bobby put more into the bucket. 

“What's that?” Bobby asked.

“Looks like a -- yeah, that's a -- that's a cat's head,” I said, trying to not gag. 

“A glamper or two is one thing, but you gotta be damn hungry to eat a cat's head,” Bobby said. 

“Mm-hmm,” Sam said looking disgusted. 

“Well, lookie here. I'm no Dr. Oz, but…” Bobby said pulling a large lumpy black thing out of the body. “I think that's his adrenal glands.” 

“Okay. And?” Sam asked.

“Meant to be the size of hotel bar soap... and bright orange,” I said, looking at the thing that was now in my bucket. 

“Oh my god! It smells so bad in here!” Sawyer said from the door with Abby on her hip. “Oh shit!” she said, turning. 

Then a small voice said, “Oooo, Sawyer said ‘Shit!’” Abby giggled.

We all rolled our eyes and I smirked, shaking my head gently. 

“All right, that might help explain the strength. But whatever this thing is, it's not the Jersey Devil, but it sure as hell ain't Gerald Browder anymore.” Sam said bringing the attention back to what was in front of us. 

“Okay, guys, seriously. It's time for dinner?” Dean said, sounding like a child. 

We burned the body and took care of the bucket of guts and nastiness. We ended up back at the Biggerson’s. Dean was eating another turducken sandwich. Abby wanted french fries, but the rest of us just got coffee and tea. Sam had his laptop open, reading the New Jersey Police Missing Persons Agency website.

“Gerald Browder, 35, self-employed. Air-conditioning repairman,” he said. “Missing person number three. Disappeared eight days ago.” 

“Well, that explains all the people who got eaten in the last eight days,” I said. 

“Yeah. Question is, what happened to him?” Sam asked. 

Dean made a noise that was very inappropriate for someone eating a sandwich. 

“Dean. Uh, so, what do you think?” I asked, looking at him. 

His mouth was still full while he answered. “I'm not that worried about it.” 

“Excuse me?” Bobby asked. 

“That's funny, right? I could give two shakes of a rat's ass. Is that right? Do rats shake their ass, or is it something else? Eh.” he said, still eating his sandwich. 

I looked around the restaurant and noticed that everyone was eating the same sandwich. Sam must have done the same thing and turned to Dean.

“Give me that,” he said, taking Dean’s sandwich. 

“Whoa, whoa! Why?!” he asked, sounding upset. 

“There's some funky chicken in the TDK Slammer, ain't there?” Bobby said. 

“Yeah,” Sam said sniffing the sandwich and wincing. 

We took the sandwich to go and the whole time Dean was complaining and whining about how he was hungry. Abby just laughed at him. 

“Daddy is being funny,” she said, smiling at him. 

But no one in the car made a sound after that. We got to the house and put the sandwich on the table. 

Dean leaned on the counter. “This is stupid. My sandwich didn't do anything. I don't know what you think you're gonna find.”

Sam started to unwrap the sandwich.

“There's something wrong with you, Dean,” I said, looking at him. 

“Are you kidding? I'm fine! I -- I actually feel great. The best I've felt in a couple months. Cas? Black goo?” he said. “I don't even care anymore. And you know what's even better? I don't care that I don't care. I just want my damn slammer back.” 

“Dude, you are completely stoned, just like Ranger Rick was,” Sam said. 

“Just like the dinner rush back at Biggerson's. And everybody's loving the Turducken,” I said. 

Gray goo bubbled out from the sandwich. “I think you pissed off my sandwich,” Dean said getting off of the counter and coming closer to us. More goo bubbled out. “That -- that's in me?” he asked. 

“Ew!” Abby said, making a face.

“O-only half of it,” Sawyer said. “If it makes you feel better.” 

“Does that snot look familiar?” Bobby asked. 

“Okay, so whatever turned Gerry Browder into a pumpkin head... and is currently turning Dean into an idiot --” Sam said.

“I'm right here. Right here,” Dean said. Abby walked over to him and pulled on his shirt. “Up, ” she said. He did as she asked and held her in his arms.

“Is in the Turducken Slammer at Biggerson's,” I said.   
“Yeah,” Sam said. 

“It's in the meat,” Bobby said. “Are you feeling okay Sawyer?” He asked remembering that she had a burger earlier today. 

“I feel fine. It must just be in the Turducken sandwich.” 

“If I wasn't so chilled out right now, I would puke,” Dean said looking at the sandwich then looking at Abby in his arms. 

The guys ended up going out to find out more information on where Biggerson's got their meat and Sawyer and I stayed at the house with Abby who was asleep yet again. Sawyer and I were sitting in the living room with the lamp in the middle of the floor in between us. 

“How do you think he’s doing?” I asked Sawyer. 

“What do you mean?” she asked, looking at me. 

“I mean, do you think he is alright? He sounds like he’s giving up. He’s not like he used to be,” I said. 

“Kelly, the man has saved the world so many times. He is tired and a little stressed. Give him some grace. He will be back to normal when life gets back to normal,” she said. 

“What is normal anymore?” I said shaking my head. “We don't know what normal is.” 

“You're right, but we are going to get through this and kick it in the ass, ” she answered me. 

“You want to know the sad part? Sometimes I wish I didn't have to do this anymore. I wish that I could hang up this life. I want to give Abby and BJ a life outside of the supernatural world. I wish you could be out of this life and go to school. To have a normal apple pie life,” I said, feeling guilty. 

“Kelly, it was never on you to get me out of this life. My parents raised me to be a hunter. Like Abby, my first gun was given to me when I was two - it's just the way life is. You are going to raise these two kids to be amazing hunters. Saving people. Being little badasses just like their mom and dad. I will help you along the way. You took me in. Gave me a home. Taught me how to hunt better, and if it weren't for you and Bobby I wouldn't be the hunter I am today. So I know you want to quit so that you can be ‘normal’ but if it weren't for you I-I would have been killed along time ago,” she said, looking at me with tears in her eyes. 

“Sawyer, you changed my life for the better. Without you, I would have gone crazy when Dean was with Lisa. You help Bobby with research as well as hunts. As well as helping with Abby giving her someone to look up to and love her more and more,” I said, “Thank you for allowing me to step up and being your adopted mom.” 

“You're welcome. Just like Bobby always says, ‘family don't end in blood’” she said with a smile. 

That night we passed out and we were relaxed and enjoyed the next day. Peacemaker and Remington were bounding around the yard while Abby chased them. She was feeling much better now and it was great watching her run and play. I got a phone call from Dean later that afternoon. 

“Babe, can you look into Dick Roman?” he asked. 

“Why do you need to find info on Dick Roman?” I asked. 

“Well, he is a Leviathan…” 

“No shit. Great, they are everywhere,” I said. “You got it. Sending information your way on the rise of Dick.” 

“Thanks, babe, ” he said. 

“Love you,” I said. 

“Love you too.”

I flipped open my laptop and looked up a video of Dick Roman. “Billionaire Dick Roman, seen here at a recent press conference, has been on the corporate-takeover warpath in the last several months and shows no signs of relenting,” the news anchor said. 

“I believe in good old American values, like unlimited growth. But it's like I always say -- if you want to win, then you got to be the shark. And a shark's got to eat. Well, that's a great question. Yes, we have made new acquisitions. I don't believe in hostile takeovers. I believe in merging... and coming out on top,” Roman said in a press conference. 

“Whether at the helm of his America's Cup-winning yacht or one of his Fortune 500 companies, Roman has never shied away from the spotlight. Roman's record-breaking series of motivational seminars, "When in Rome," have outsold every other money-making program on the market. A vocal member of the NRA and a steadfast supporter of the second amendment, Roman has started attracting some conservative political attention, as well.”

“Roman is ruthless, but good-looking. I think he'll make a great candidate,” a politician said. 

“Another great question. No, I am not running for political office at this time. But I do have a number-one bestseller,” Roman said in an interview. 

“Holy crap. What the hell is that?” Sawyer said, watching over my shoulder. 

“That's one of the top 50 most powerful men in America,” I said. 

“Says here top 35 as of last month,” she said. 

I called Dean and told him about everything I had found out about Dick Roman. 

It was quiet the rest of the day. We had all gone to bed when Dean called me. 

“Kelly, get to Hammonton Regional Hospital Trauma Center, now,” he said. 

“Why, Dean?” I asked sitting straight up. “What’s going on?” 

“Kelly, just get there as soon as you can,” he said, and there was fear in his voice. 

“Dean, who is hurt? You need to tell me right now,” I said. 

“Kelly, it’s Bobby. He's been shot.” 

“Oh my God.”


End file.
